I hate the "word"

I read a bunch of blogs! I do, it passes the time, it helps me sort out all the tangled feelings I have. I read a A LOT of them. I read this blog all the time that pisses me off, but sometimes thats a really good thing. I love to be irritated and to feel challenged, it improves my thought process, it helps me grow. So now I am trying to grow. The adoptee uses the term abandonement when she speaks of her relinguishment. She has been in reunion years and years and loves her nmom very much. Her nmom loves her very much. They both blog about that love, however she continues to say she was abandoned by her nmother. So now, for historical purposes I feel the need to say something:



I DID NOT FUCKING ABANDON MY DAUGHTER!



To abandon someone would imply a "concious choice" to walk away. I am sorry, I didn't have the chance to make a "concious choice". Certainly I was old enough to make a choice but let's go back to where I was ...

Here's the facts...

I got pregnant... The father left me BECAUSE I got pregnant... Nobody knew I was pregnant until I told my father WHEN MY WATER BROKE! (God I regret not telling him so much, he was so supportive when he found out)... The adoption agency told me over and over how little I would be able to give her, how much better she would be with a two parent family, How could I even consider raising a child at this point in my life, How selfish it was to want to raise her, If I loved her as much as I said I did I would want the best for her, and the best for her certainly wasn't me...

The agency used my love for her against me. They destroyed every ounce of self-esteem and self-worth I had...

I didn't abandon my daughter... I would never want an adoptee to feel they didn't have a right to any feeling they might have and any way they may choose to express that is okay with me, it's their right and they certainly have earned the right to feel however they feel...

So here I am just saying this for me

I did not, would not, could not abandon my child...