Tuesday is November 18th. It's my b-day, but it is become a more important date for me. It has become an anniversary. Tuesday it will be one year since I received the first e-mail from my daughter. I can't even believe it. I mean for 22 years I worried about her safety, 22 years I mourned the loss of her. Then in one day... I find out the news she is alive, happy and well. Symbolic that it was on my birthday? To me, yes, because she didn't know it was and for another reason that is a post in itself.
My daughter had wonderful parents. She had everything money could buy. She had unconditional love and support. She had the life I was told she would have and more. So it worked right? We have only e-mailed, never spoken or met, but I am so grateful to know her at least that much. So why hasn't the pain magically dissappeared?
She is very grateful to me for giving her the life she has. The end justifies the means right? So why haven't I found peace and closure?
Why?
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I don't think that we ever get peace. I've been in reunion for three years with my 22 year old daughter. We see each other frequently, we have a fantastic relationship, but it can't erase the past pain.
I have found that most of the pain centered around my family who didn't help me when I needed them most. The adoption hurt like hell, but mainly I'm still angry at my family most.
I'll be honest with you. It doesn't go away. We are and will always be, birthmothers.
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