My Daughter's Birthday

23 years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful little girl... 3 days later I lost her to adoption.

Today I sent her flowers, the first birthday gift I have ever been able to give her...

Here's to hope...

Happy Birthday Precious Girl!

Adoption Break!

This weekend has been all about hectic. I have been focusing on something other than adoption. Many of you who know me are aware that I have a 16 year old daughter at home. For the past two years life, her life and my life with her has been in upheaval. She is beautiful, talented and smart. She DOES NOT see that. She has been making all the wrong choices and putting herself in very bad situations. She calls herself "EMO" and we have dealt with kinds of very dangerous situations. I cannot go into any more detail than that.

These past three weeks the situation has gone from bad to worse. As a matter of fact, I am in hell. I love this child so much and she is going downhill quickly. I have tried so many ways to get her help. We have excellent insurance but rules and regulations when the person isn't willing are difficult.

I have to focus on my child right now. I have to help her win this battle inside herself...

Love to all...

I hate the "word"

I read a bunch of blogs! I do, it passes the time, it helps me sort out all the tangled feelings I have. I read a A LOT of them. I read this blog all the time that pisses me off, but sometimes thats a really good thing. I love to be irritated and to feel challenged, it improves my thought process, it helps me grow. So now I am trying to grow. The adoptee uses the term abandonement when she speaks of her relinguishment. She has been in reunion years and years and loves her nmom very much. Her nmom loves her very much. They both blog about that love, however she continues to say she was abandoned by her nmother. So now, for historical purposes I feel the need to say something:



I DID NOT FUCKING ABANDON MY DAUGHTER!



To abandon someone would imply a "concious choice" to walk away. I am sorry, I didn't have the chance to make a "concious choice". Certainly I was old enough to make a choice but let's go back to where I was ...

Here's the facts...

I got pregnant... The father left me BECAUSE I got pregnant... Nobody knew I was pregnant until I told my father WHEN MY WATER BROKE! (God I regret not telling him so much, he was so supportive when he found out)... The adoption agency told me over and over how little I would be able to give her, how much better she would be with a two parent family, How could I even consider raising a child at this point in my life, How selfish it was to want to raise her, If I loved her as much as I said I did I would want the best for her, and the best for her certainly wasn't me...

The agency used my love for her against me. They destroyed every ounce of self-esteem and self-worth I had...

I didn't abandon my daughter... I would never want an adoptee to feel they didn't have a right to any feeling they might have and any way they may choose to express that is okay with me, it's their right and they certainly have earned the right to feel however they feel...

So here I am just saying this for me

I did not, would not, could not abandon my child...

Stupid things people say...

Today I had a conversation with a friend of a friend. The discussion began about troubled teens and I was talking to him regarding some help I had found for my daughter at home. When discussing the problems he was having with his young teen, he said not once, not twice, but three times... "Well, this is our ADOPTED daughter". Okay, so he doesn't know my history, but one would assume that if you adopt a child at birth, you do NOT continue to describe them as your "adopted" child. So, if he wasn't having adolescent difficulties with her would he have left the adopted part out?????? Like, hey if your good you can be my daughter but if you act up you are adopted!!!!!! WTF????

I got out of the conversation quickly, I could see it wouldn't be long until he started telling me her behavioral problems must come from her birth family....

You know, one day, we will all be reading her angry adoptee blog and that makes me very sad...

Hugs!

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

The colors of my blog have changed to remind the world that it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

I lost my mother to breast cancer in 1977. I was 13.

This month and every month I remember what a beautiful loving mother I had. This month I honor her memory by dedicating a post a week to Breast Cancer Awareness.

Blessings & Hugs to all!