Break

Time for a break... Seems everyone is taking one and it is my time. I am going to forget about adoption until after the Holiday. I haven't heard from my daughter. It hurts, enough said... I am going to focus on my family at home. I have spent so much time on adoption for the past 5 years. Searching for her, searching my soul. It's time for me to dedicate more time to R & J, focus on them more. It is obvious my daughter isn't ready for any kind of relationship, not even friendship. Hopefully that will change but for now it is what it is.

I love you all, all you wonderful adoptees, nparents, aparents & all...

If you want to reach me...

kristysearching (at) yahoo.com

No drama... just xoxoxoxo

It came and went...

My birthday came and went. I turned 44 without fanfare and that's okay with me. I was okay with all of that. I didn't hear from my daughter. I haven't in awhile. I really thought I would, it was the anniversary of her first e-mail. I just thought I would get something, a MySpace comment, something... Like I said I haven't heard from her in awhile. It hurts. I am not going to go all over-dramatic on this. I've known for awhile the path this was taking. I just want to be a thought in her mind occasionally.

I'll keep hoping, for now I just need to TRY to think of something else besides adoption for awhile. My good friend Suz is feeling big pain too, has to sort it out. Perhaps there is something in the water. More likely it is just adoption...

Hugs to all...

Closing in....

Tuesday is November 18th. It's my b-day, but it is become a more important date for me. It has become an anniversary. Tuesday it will be one year since I received the first e-mail from my daughter. I can't even believe it. I mean for 22 years I worried about her safety, 22 years I mourned the loss of her. Then in one day... I find out the news she is alive, happy and well. Symbolic that it was on my birthday? To me, yes, because she didn't know it was and for another reason that is a post in itself.

My daughter had wonderful parents. She had everything money could buy. She had unconditional love and support. She had the life I was told she would have and more. So it worked right? We have only e-mailed, never spoken or met, but I am so grateful to know her at least that much. So why hasn't the pain magically dissappeared?

She is very grateful to me for giving her the life she has. The end justifies the means right? So why haven't I found peace and closure?

Why?

Honestly... Can you believe this??????

I cannot believe in this day and age this was printed....

I will say again...

I am a first mother, I never asked for or expected lifetime or even short time anonymity.


Yeah and love the way it blames adoptee emotional diffculties on birth families!

Now we can forget primal wound and all that. Let's just call it attachment disorder wrap them in blankets and "re-birth" them to exorcise them of all their birth family demons.

Yep I get a lil heated, but..

I can tell who THIS article was written by.

The eggshells hurt my feet

I am tired of walking on eggshells, trying so hard not to offend. My feelings are real to me. That's why I blog. I am in pain. I see other first mothers leaving the blogosphere due to the harsh criticism of others. I see them walk because away they are unable to express their pain without someone telling them they do not have the right to hurt. As if we should forever suffer for our "crime" of losing our child to adoption.

Geesh, people, we all are hurt by this. My pain, my speaking of my pain, does not make yours less valid. I don't expect you to heal mine as I cannot heal yours. I don't expect you to believe that if I could change it I would.

What I do expect, is the same respect I give to you. I read you, I learn from you, but never once do I attempt to tell you that you don't have a right to your feelings. That you aren't deserving of the ability to express and heal.

I have lived guilt enough for any person and enough is enough...

I'm puttin on some shoes...

It's about hope...

We won...

I say "we" because we ALL won. It is time for change. Time to become a united country where the american dream lives again. I believe. I have hope.

Tomorrow is an important day...

So go vote, don't say it doesn't matter, don't procrastinate, don't forget...

GO VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!


btw...

Go Obama :)