Thursday, September 11, 2008

Grief from a mother's perspective....

From wikipedia:
This is the Kubler-Ross model of the Five Stages of Grief
The stages are:
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening."
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can you accept this!"
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years."
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"
Example - "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
I was commenting on my friend, the totally not creepy Holly’s blog when I began thinking about grief. How we process it and why for some, myself included, we cannot find a true healing. In Kubler-Ross, healing is acceptance. How can people who have had such injury to their lives get to acceptance? I suppose for me acceptance would be to say that my daughter has another life that I will never be a part of and I am okay with that. Hmmmm tough one. What if inside I cannot ever be okay with that? I mean the “like totally okay with that” or the “it doesn’t affect me anymore, okay with that”. Even without acceptance I can move on, I can respect her boundaries, I can live my life, but what if I can’t be totally okay with that? Does that mean I cannot get to true acceptance? I cannot heal? Maybe that is why I have never been able to get to a “healed place” about the adoption. As a mother I cannot get to that acceptance of losing my child. Perhaps it is because I cannot accept the unacceptable. If that means I will never be completely healed than so be it…

Hugs to all….


Holly said...

Oh Kristy, I don't know if any of us can ever get to that point of complete acceptance.
We will keep repeating Kubler-Ross's steps; backwards, forwards and sideways, I'm afraid.
Being at the other side of the "triangle" from you; I'm not sure if it's possible to get the the point of acceptance when grieving the loss of your daughter. It wasn't a natural form of seperation. Does that make sense?
Geesh. I just don't know. Something to ponder.
Love you Girl!!!

jeanneshouse1 said...

Dear Ones, For me, I have learned that acceptance does not mean that something becomes OK. It will NEVER be OK to lose a child. It means that when I am experiencing pain and grief that I accept that I am experiencing pain and grief. I do not deny it or bury it or minimize it. Truly when I acknowledge it only then I can knowingly put it into perspective and continue in my daily life. Acknowleging my grief puts me in charge. It stops running my life. It will NEVER be OK to lose a child. Get it! Now, what I choose to do with my life today is what matters.