Friday, September 12, 2008

Grief - Part 2 (The Adoptee)

I know some really cool adoptees. I know some really cool adoptees who have been denied contact by part of all of their natural families. IT BREAKS MY HEART! I read their blogs, I read their pain. They express it so well that when I read it as a mother it touches my soul. If I could find all of them, wrap my arms around them, and give them some small amount of a mother's comfort I would. If I could hunt down their nfamilies tie them to a chair and scream at them until they realized what they were missing I would.

Since obviously I don't have the frequent flyer miles to do any of that, I try to listen to them, to read what they are saying, to understand they are in pain, and to acknowledge them.

I posted last about the stages of grief and why I felt I couldn't get to a "healed place" about losing my daughter to adoption. I have begun to believe that there is a small chance I am the reason I cannot heal, that since I will not allow myself to accept than I cannot complete the "healing process".

So now I think about the adoptee grief, the grief of a child, feeling abandoned once and now as an adult facing abandonment again. How do they heal? How do they accept? Do they just say some people are assholes and accept their life without knowing? That sucks.

Adoption sucks...


Holly said...

Um yeah. Some people are just assholes. But I have to ask myself, "Are they broken too?" I think so - I just don't know/understand the reasons.
It's all about trying to put yourself in the other persons shoe's. Some just can't/won't do it. Very sad for them.

You have such a good point; are we not allowing ourselves to heal? I wish some wise sage would step up to the plate here, and tell us what to do. Then again, would we choose to do it, or stay in our grief?
Oh boy. You give me more to think about.
Sure wish you were a few states closer ;)

Teri Brown said...

Do you really think that there is healing? Isn't it more a matter of just accepting it as a part of who we are and what has happened to put us where we are that we had no control over?

I suffered for years and agonized over the loss of my daughter. Even reunited didn't make the pain of the lost years go away, nor make her feelings of rejection by me disappear, even tho she knew I had no choice. She understood but it still didn't erase her feelings. I think all the understanding and compassion in the world isn't going to change the hurt and loss we feel.

I hurt for my daughter and for all adoptees who feel broken. First mother's and adoptees both feel different pains, but they both feel it none-the-less. I don't think time or therapy can make the past go away. It will always be there, we just have to learn how to live with it and move forward with our lives.

Teri Brown

KristySearching said...

Holly - Yep you're right perhaps they are broken :( What happened to my compassion? I sometimes forget that those who have wounded me the most were wounded once themselves. Hmmmm Food for thought! :)

Teri, I think in most cases if you can accept, you can heal. Problem still for me, acceptance may be a lifetime away. I know the pain is a part of me, a part of who I am. If I let go of it, I might "accept" what was taken from me, and that right now, seems worse than dealing with the pain, if that makes any sense.


TheRightThing said...

I blogged about this once where another adoptee friend told me that I will never stop hurting. As soon as she told me that, it seemed to heal a lot of wounds. I was searching and searching for something to heal me or make the hurt go away for good. Now I don't have to search and the stress is off my shoulders. I am starting to look at the future.

But there are those times, I get stuck back into the past and have to crawl my way out even though I would love to jump my way out.