I'm back :)

I was afraid of who might read what I had to say. One person in particular. I was afraid if she read, if she knew the whole truth she might walk away forever.

I have to figure it out though. I need to write. I need the comments I receive which keep me going and thinking and learning...

I used to be KristySearching because I was searching to find her. Now that search is complete, I am still searching, searching for peace.

So what I am saying is ---- I'm back, I need to be here.

~~and if you do read this, just ask, it's your story too...

Hugs to all!

Break

Time for a break... Seems everyone is taking one and it is my time. I am going to forget about adoption until after the Holiday. I haven't heard from my daughter. It hurts, enough said... I am going to focus on my family at home. I have spent so much time on adoption for the past 5 years. Searching for her, searching my soul. It's time for me to dedicate more time to R & J, focus on them more. It is obvious my daughter isn't ready for any kind of relationship, not even friendship. Hopefully that will change but for now it is what it is.

I love you all, all you wonderful adoptees, nparents, aparents & all...

If you want to reach me...

kristysearching (at) yahoo.com

No drama... just xoxoxoxo

It came and went...

My birthday came and went. I turned 44 without fanfare and that's okay with me. I was okay with all of that. I didn't hear from my daughter. I haven't in awhile. I really thought I would, it was the anniversary of her first e-mail. I just thought I would get something, a MySpace comment, something... Like I said I haven't heard from her in awhile. It hurts. I am not going to go all over-dramatic on this. I've known for awhile the path this was taking. I just want to be a thought in her mind occasionally.

I'll keep hoping, for now I just need to TRY to think of something else besides adoption for awhile. My good friend Suz is feeling big pain too, has to sort it out. Perhaps there is something in the water. More likely it is just adoption...

Hugs to all...

Closing in....

Tuesday is November 18th. It's my b-day, but it is become a more important date for me. It has become an anniversary. Tuesday it will be one year since I received the first e-mail from my daughter. I can't even believe it. I mean for 22 years I worried about her safety, 22 years I mourned the loss of her. Then in one day... I find out the news she is alive, happy and well. Symbolic that it was on my birthday? To me, yes, because she didn't know it was and for another reason that is a post in itself.

My daughter had wonderful parents. She had everything money could buy. She had unconditional love and support. She had the life I was told she would have and more. So it worked right? We have only e-mailed, never spoken or met, but I am so grateful to know her at least that much. So why hasn't the pain magically dissappeared?

She is very grateful to me for giving her the life she has. The end justifies the means right? So why haven't I found peace and closure?

Why?

Honestly... Can you believe this??????

I cannot believe in this day and age this was printed....

I will say again...

I am a first mother, I never asked for or expected lifetime or even short time anonymity.


Yeah and love the way it blames adoptee emotional diffculties on birth families!

Now we can forget primal wound and all that. Let's just call it attachment disorder wrap them in blankets and "re-birth" them to exorcise them of all their birth family demons.

Yep I get a lil heated, but..

I can tell who THIS article was written by.

The eggshells hurt my feet

I am tired of walking on eggshells, trying so hard not to offend. My feelings are real to me. That's why I blog. I am in pain. I see other first mothers leaving the blogosphere due to the harsh criticism of others. I see them walk because away they are unable to express their pain without someone telling them they do not have the right to hurt. As if we should forever suffer for our "crime" of losing our child to adoption.

Geesh, people, we all are hurt by this. My pain, my speaking of my pain, does not make yours less valid. I don't expect you to heal mine as I cannot heal yours. I don't expect you to believe that if I could change it I would.

What I do expect, is the same respect I give to you. I read you, I learn from you, but never once do I attempt to tell you that you don't have a right to your feelings. That you aren't deserving of the ability to express and heal.

I have lived guilt enough for any person and enough is enough...

I'm puttin on some shoes...

It's about hope...

We won...

I say "we" because we ALL won. It is time for change. Time to become a united country where the american dream lives again. I believe. I have hope.

Tomorrow is an important day...

So go vote, don't say it doesn't matter, don't procrastinate, don't forget...

GO VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!


btw...

Go Obama :)

My Daughter's Birthday

23 years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful little girl... 3 days later I lost her to adoption.

Today I sent her flowers, the first birthday gift I have ever been able to give her...

Here's to hope...

Happy Birthday Precious Girl!

Adoption Break!

This weekend has been all about hectic. I have been focusing on something other than adoption. Many of you who know me are aware that I have a 16 year old daughter at home. For the past two years life, her life and my life with her has been in upheaval. She is beautiful, talented and smart. She DOES NOT see that. She has been making all the wrong choices and putting herself in very bad situations. She calls herself "EMO" and we have dealt with kinds of very dangerous situations. I cannot go into any more detail than that.

These past three weeks the situation has gone from bad to worse. As a matter of fact, I am in hell. I love this child so much and she is going downhill quickly. I have tried so many ways to get her help. We have excellent insurance but rules and regulations when the person isn't willing are difficult.

I have to focus on my child right now. I have to help her win this battle inside herself...

Love to all...

I hate the "word"

I read a bunch of blogs! I do, it passes the time, it helps me sort out all the tangled feelings I have. I read a A LOT of them. I read this blog all the time that pisses me off, but sometimes thats a really good thing. I love to be irritated and to feel challenged, it improves my thought process, it helps me grow. So now I am trying to grow. The adoptee uses the term abandonement when she speaks of her relinguishment. She has been in reunion years and years and loves her nmom very much. Her nmom loves her very much. They both blog about that love, however she continues to say she was abandoned by her nmother. So now, for historical purposes I feel the need to say something:



I DID NOT FUCKING ABANDON MY DAUGHTER!



To abandon someone would imply a "concious choice" to walk away. I am sorry, I didn't have the chance to make a "concious choice". Certainly I was old enough to make a choice but let's go back to where I was ...

Here's the facts...

I got pregnant... The father left me BECAUSE I got pregnant... Nobody knew I was pregnant until I told my father WHEN MY WATER BROKE! (God I regret not telling him so much, he was so supportive when he found out)... The adoption agency told me over and over how little I would be able to give her, how much better she would be with a two parent family, How could I even consider raising a child at this point in my life, How selfish it was to want to raise her, If I loved her as much as I said I did I would want the best for her, and the best for her certainly wasn't me...

The agency used my love for her against me. They destroyed every ounce of self-esteem and self-worth I had...

I didn't abandon my daughter... I would never want an adoptee to feel they didn't have a right to any feeling they might have and any way they may choose to express that is okay with me, it's their right and they certainly have earned the right to feel however they feel...

So here I am just saying this for me

I did not, would not, could not abandon my child...

Stupid things people say...

Today I had a conversation with a friend of a friend. The discussion began about troubled teens and I was talking to him regarding some help I had found for my daughter at home. When discussing the problems he was having with his young teen, he said not once, not twice, but three times... "Well, this is our ADOPTED daughter". Okay, so he doesn't know my history, but one would assume that if you adopt a child at birth, you do NOT continue to describe them as your "adopted" child. So, if he wasn't having adolescent difficulties with her would he have left the adopted part out?????? Like, hey if your good you can be my daughter but if you act up you are adopted!!!!!! WTF????

I got out of the conversation quickly, I could see it wouldn't be long until he started telling me her behavioral problems must come from her birth family....

You know, one day, we will all be reading her angry adoptee blog and that makes me very sad...

Hugs!

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

The colors of my blog have changed to remind the world that it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

I lost my mother to breast cancer in 1977. I was 13.

This month and every month I remember what a beautiful loving mother I had. This month I honor her memory by dedicating a post a week to Breast Cancer Awareness.

Blessings & Hugs to all!

LDS Adoption info

I have been reading Firstmother Forum and finding out quite a bit from the links regarding the Mormon belief in regards to adoption, creating eternal families, etc... Some of it creeped me out!

I have also found out that they lobby against open records. Read about it here, you can also follow the links included in her post.

I believe in open records, I think you have to be aware of your opposition when trying to fight for anything!

Hugs & Happy reading!

Cuz I said so!

Just a note...

It is my belief that as a 1st Mom, NMom, BMom or Birthmom, whichever you prefer, you never lose the right to love your child. I know that many wish we would just disappear, but that isn't how love works. Suck it up and deal with it!

It is my belief that every adopted child deserves their heritage and a link to their biological families. I know that many would prefer never to be found, but that isn't how love should work. Suck it up and deal with it!

Just a note on this bright sunny day!

Grief - Part 2 (The Adoptee)

I know some really cool adoptees. I know some really cool adoptees who have been denied contact by part of all of their natural families. IT BREAKS MY HEART! I read their blogs, I read their pain. They express it so well that when I read it as a mother it touches my soul. If I could find all of them, wrap my arms around them, and give them some small amount of a mother's comfort I would. If I could hunt down their nfamilies tie them to a chair and scream at them until they realized what they were missing I would.

Since obviously I don't have the frequent flyer miles to do any of that, I try to listen to them, to read what they are saying, to understand they are in pain, and to acknowledge them.

I posted last about the stages of grief and why I felt I couldn't get to a "healed place" about losing my daughter to adoption. I have begun to believe that there is a small chance I am the reason I cannot heal, that since I will not allow myself to accept than I cannot complete the "healing process".

So now I think about the adoptee grief, the grief of a child, feeling abandoned once and now as an adult facing abandonment again. How do they heal? How do they accept? Do they just say some people are assholes and accept their life without knowing? That sucks.

Adoption sucks...

Grief from a mother's perspective....

From wikipedia:
This is the Kubler-Ross model of the Five Stages of Grief
The stages are:
Denial:
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening."
Anger:
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can you accept this!"
Bargaining:
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years."
Depression:
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"
Acceptance:
Example - "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
I was commenting on my friend, the totally not creepy Holly’s blog when I began thinking about grief. How we process it and why for some, myself included, we cannot find a true healing. In Kubler-Ross, healing is acceptance. How can people who have had such injury to their lives get to acceptance? I suppose for me acceptance would be to say that my daughter has another life that I will never be a part of and I am okay with that. Hmmmm tough one. What if inside I cannot ever be okay with that? I mean the “like totally okay with that” or the “it doesn’t affect me anymore, okay with that”. Even without acceptance I can move on, I can respect her boundaries, I can live my life, but what if I can’t be totally okay with that? Does that mean I cannot get to true acceptance? I cannot heal? Maybe that is why I have never been able to get to a “healed place” about the adoption. As a mother I cannot get to that acceptance of losing my child. Perhaps it is because I cannot accept the unacceptable. If that means I will never be completely healed than so be it…

Hugs to all….

Crazy Busy

I am working on a post on grief inspired by another wonderful blog but my life has been CRAZY busy. Will post soon. Hugs to all!

Just thinking about differences again!

You know when I was growing up I cannot remember having one friend who was adopted. Oh I am sure that I did, it just wasn't talked about. My daughter J has 3 friends who are adopted. They talk about it, they told me within days of knowing them. It is much more "acceptable" to talk about now. In fact recently one of these friends talked about meeting his birthmom. He said she was addicted to drugs when he was born and when he met her last year she was fresh out of rehab. He is 18. Amazing how the world changes. How different it is. When I lost my daughter to adoption, I was not ashamed of her. I spoke openly to family and friends about her. I see so many nmoms of the 50's, 60's and 70's who hid their pregnancy and loss in such a veil of shame. That is so sad. That great loss and being unable to talk to anyone about it for support. Adoptees of that era must have felt the same inability to talk about their adoption and how it affected their lives. Wow.

It's pretty simple really

All this reading I do, analyzing, thinking, thinking, thinking, it's pretty simple really....

I just want her to love me as much as I love her :(

The "Era" of Our Ways

There are many adoptee blogs that I just love to read. They give me hope that one day my daughter my want to know me the way these adoptees long to know their nmoms. I was commenting today on a blog post where an adoptee had been through difficult times establishing a relationship with her half-sister and it was just so obvious to me the differences in adoption eras. My friend S, who knows so much more than I do about the adoption eras had pointed out to me once the differences between the BSE Moms & Adoptees and the 80's (S & my era) Mom's and adoptees. I look at some of these wonderful BSE Adoptee bloggers who are denied contact by their mother. I think it was the shame that was used during that era to separate mothers from their child. Many of the BSE mothers never told their subsequent families of their first child. I can't even imagine holding that big a secret. In the 80's that all changed though. IMO in there wasn't as much shame involved in being an unwed mother. Adoption agencies had to change tactics. The mothers could no longer be shamed into giving away their child so coercion became their weapon of choice. I know coercion is a hard word, but how much more coercive can you be than to use your own love for your child against you. I wonder if they realized the long lasting effect this would have on the mothers. Did they care that many mothers suffered from PTSD, low self-esteem, debilitating depression long after the papers were signed and the deed was done? But I digress, my post today is really just observation, on how differently the tactics used by agencies in each era effected the lives and future reunions of all involved. How the tactics effect us still today, no matter in what era we experienced our loss, as we attempt to find some healing.

Hugs to all!

Figuring it all out

Reunion

Main Entry:
re·union
Pronunciation:
\(ˌ)rē-ˈyün-yən\
Function:
noun
1 : an act of reuniting : the state of being reunited
2 : a reuniting of persons after separation

Sounds simple right?

She e-mails me, it's her. I have waited 22 years to find her. I guess I really never considered that she might not really want to know me. That she was completely happy with her parents and there wouldn't be room for me. What an ego I must have to never have considered it. I had seen it happen, one of the most precious friends I have out here was going through it. A daughter who said she didn't want her nmother in her life. But not me too.

She is completely happy being adopted. She has everything she ever wanted. She is happy, isn't that what I wanted after all? Am I just being selfish to ask for more? Am I just being selfish wanting to know her?

I waited 22 years to see her again...

November 18, 2007

We found each other, well sort of....


This blog is basically for me to leave comments on other blogs...

I may write more later! :)